...ode to a fragmented post

So I've been pretty M.I.A. the last week or so, and am finally getting a chance to catch up on the blogging world. I have many things on my mind and that I would like to share.

First - Google Reader - I'm sure many of you know about the wonders of this application, yet for those new to the blogging world I recommend you check it out. It can be a daunting task to find and read new posts on your favourite blogs and Google Reader gathers this information all in one place. Seriously, if Google could somehow take over the world, all would be good again.

Second - my best friend has recently returned from vacation with her family so I've spent a lot of time catching up with her and other friends. It seems like every night there is a group of us doing dinner, or going to the bar, or just chilling at someone's house. I realize that I have the best group of friends a guy could ask. We are super comfortable and can tell each other anything - well, almost anything. I am very afraid that when I tell them I'm gay, it will somehow change the whole dynamic of the group, that I will feel responsible for this, and that we will grow apart from each other. I love the way it is right now...we just seem to play off each other and have great times together. I don't know what I would do if this changed.

Third, GREAT NEWS over at Coming to Terms as he came OUT to his brother. OUT! So awesome and great job buddy. I look forward to hearing more.:)

Fourth, Steve - I feel your pain about your grandparents. I too have family that (even when I'm out to my immediate family and friends) I will never tell that I'm gay. It is a real shame to have to do this, but when you know people won't change their ways it's better to hang on to what you have. This is especially true when your relatives are older and old fashioned. They love you so much, and you them, and you just want things to stay the same. I know some people say you have to give people a chance to change and accept and love you for who you are, but I think in some cases you just know this isn't possible. Anyways, if you're reading this, I know it sucks huge but try not to let it get you down.

Second to last, on Tuesday my sister brought over her gay friend and his boyfriend for dinner (Adam and Cody). My immediate family and some other friends were also present. It was a great time, albeit Cody was almost too talkative and thought he knew everything about anything. Cody got on my nerves and I even needed to leave the room at one point to refrain from putting my frustration into words. Anyway, after Adam and Cody left, no one said anything about them being gay, but instead treated them as a normal couple. A family friend even stated that Cody was a "know-it-all", but that was ok if he treated Adam well. I thought this was awesome, because I wasn't sure what the family friend thought about us homosexuals. I mean, when she tells stories about gay people that in no way have anything to do with their sexuality, she makes a point of stating their orientation. For example: "My friend's son...is gay but is very nice...is in school for medicine and is finding it really tough right now." The point of the story is not that he's gay! This frustrates me when this happens and I usually end up leaving the room. Tuesday's dinner, though, went very well and it was nice to see family and friends interact normally with my sister's friends (who are gay by the way, but very nice:)). On a side note: thank goodness they weren't hot and I didn't have to worry about staring and drooling.

And finally, I've been checking out Soul Seared Dreamer's blog. Every time I hit up his website I am pleasantly surprised. I wish I knew how to make my blog fun like that. Check it out - you'll know what I mean.

And so this brings to a close my very fragmented post. This seems to be the way my brain is working lately - kind of all over the place.

Something I think is hilarious....

So I walk in my front door today and my family is watching Will & Grace. I go to my room and come back and they are watching Oprah, in which Oprah is discussing lesbian issues. I don't know if it was coincidence or if they were trying to tell me something, but I thought it was pretty damn funny. My family is very accepting of all my friends, gay and straight. I think if I just out and told them (pun intended!) that things would generally be ok. However, they don't know that sometimes they hurt me the way they talk, and it's always in the back of my mind that they won't be as accepting (at least at first) as I think they will be. I am very close with them, and even though I know they won't abandon me, I'm still scared. Maybe this is still more an issue of accepting myself, than worrying about acceptance from them.

ANYWAY, I didn't mean to make this a depressing post, so let's go back to that Will & Grace & Oprah thing...so funny.

I think I'll leave it there...Happy Hump Day everyone...the week will soon be over!

My second blog

So I haven't been totally honest with all of you about my blogging virginity. I actually popped my blog cherry last summer, not December. However, it's not an online blog, or even a written journal somewhere. It's all in my head. Yup, it's a mental blog.

I discovered an amazing method for clearing my head and working through my complexities as a human being. I am talking about running! I try to run between 6km and 12km, at least 4-5 times a week. I am slowly working up to longer distances which will help with a certain new years resolution. The weather has been unusually warm the last couple days which has been good for training!

So I have several reasons for running, including keepin' the ol' ticker and lungs in shape and generally becoming fitter. I realized today, however, that there is another reason why I run: STRESS RELIEF!!! Yesterday, I seemed to have all the confidence in the world for some reason. I started to think that maybe this blog should be given some credit. I thought maybe I was doing something right. Then today I found out I may not be getting a cool job I wanted and that I may not be moving out of the fam's house...**pause**: I was hoping to move out of my house and be on my own where I thought I could figure out how to actually come to terms with myself. I feel like coming out while I'm living at home and where I can't escape might be a little traumatic**unpause* *, got in a fight with my sister, and am super tired which always makes me cranky. I am wondering where all my confidence went to that I had yesterday!??!?

Anyway, this is my post-venting vent. I vented to myself as I ran a quick 6km today. Whenever I'm upset I use this second blog of mine to think about things. I was able to calm down and decrease the pulse of my anxious heart. I also realized that the fight with sis might be an over-reaction - I will have to call her later and sort things out.

In the end, running is a way that I can kind of sit outside my body and analyze what has been going on. I suggest trying it at least once or twice!

Cue Ellen: "Holla"

First of all...does anyone watch Ellen? I think she is hilarious and her talkshow may even be my favourite (Canadian spelling;)). So in lieu of her, I want to say 'holla at ya' to a couple people out there:

I've been chatting with 'Coming to Terms with "It"'. He's a really nice guy to chat with and has a fun blog too! Check out the link!

Also, I just want to give a shout out to ClosetNS and say thanks for the shout out - probably a more graceful way of saying that. I also love hearing about success stories with becoming more active and leading a healthy lifestyle, so if you haven't already, read his 'The Pants Kinda Fit' post. Also, it's comforting to know Canadians are gay too :) (j/k). It just seems like there are way more American bloggers, which is cool, but we're a pretty big freakin' country as well. Maybe I just haven't found them yet.

Finally, I like the idea of the blogger meet up in Chicago, but it's way too early for me to be doing that kind of thing. Maybe in a year from now - definitely a neat idea. I also want to spark a topic of conversation here - do you think meeting up will make things a little too personal and maybe people won't feel that they can post some things on their blog anymore? It might be like taking away some anonymity. On the other hand, you get to meet awesome people and maybe making things less anonymous is a good idea! Just curious what people think?

2008: Bring it on!

So...Monday...the holiday is officially over. And back to reality I go. Monday is the day my friends are back in school/work, the day I have to seriously suck it up and get my own job, and
the day I will find time to complete an application for my masters (mark my words I will!).

I was reading some New Year posts from other people, and came across ClosetNS's Mattlist for 2007. I just want to say props to him for all that!!! You are an inspiration to us all. I even thought about doing such a list, but I think I'll leave that for a year from now. Instead, I think I'll post some goals for the near future:

1. Get a cool job in Toronto (or one that pays the bills) before I go back to school.
2. Get accepted into my masters.
3. Come out to someone (someone is a reasonable number I think).
4. Work on my blog more often and try to meet new people in similar situations.
5. Snowboard lots
6. Run a 1/2 marathon

I will stop there as I tend to be over-ambitious when I'm setting goals for myself, and then sometimes disappointed with the results.

So - here's a brief synopsis of my New Years:

You know how you always try to make the next New Years something really special, instead of a big let down? Well, this year I semi-achieved that! We did some shopping, grabbed coffee, ate at restaurants a lot, drank, and just hung out. I went with some of my best friends and we pretty much just relaxed and escaped reality for a few days. On New Year's Eve we went out to an Irish pub. I'm glad we did, but it wasn't anything special. The bartender was super rude and the drinks were over-priced. Then the clock struck midnight, everyone around me locked tongues, and an hour later we left. I think my favourite part of the night was the after-the-bar breakfast. It wasn't the best night ever, but we were away from the reality that is life...and sometimes that's all you need.:)

I have been in much better spirits since New Years and I'm going to try to keep this positivity going in my life as long as I can. My future is uncertain, but here's to trying to make the best of it.

Happy New Year everyone.:)

New Nickname

I decided that I need a new nickname. So after much thought I've decided on 'BoarderGuy'. Why? I LOVE snowboarding. I like it better than 'B'. Annnd done.

My first gay encounter...

So I was reading Steve's blog and came across his Four-score and 365 days ago post, where he describes his first gay encounter. This got me thinking about mine...it was very recently actually, and I used to think about it a lot, but as of late I guess my mind has been pre-occupied.

It was summer 2007 and I was working at my university. Through a friend, I was introduced to a boy (I will call him French boy) who was staying in town and studying on a summer exchange. He came over to my family's place along with some other friends and we drank for a bit, then ventured out to a club to celebrate my other friend's birthday. Some friends were dancing and some of us were sitting in a booth drinking our beers. I was sitting at the outside of the booth and French boy was sitting super close to me even though there was lots of space.

Now...I guess I should back up to when I met him in my driveway. He got out of the car and I couldn't really get a good look at him, but he seemed really cute. He had long-ish hair and a ball cap covering his head. He was also super skinny and was dressed very European. I pretty much knew right away that he was gay by the way he looked (I'm not sure what exactly it was) or maybe it was the way he acted or spoke...again, it's hard to say, but I just knew. To this day, my suspicions have not been affirmed, but I keep in touch on msn and hopefully will meet up with him some day. He has now gone home but will return next September to do his master's here.

Ok, so here we were in the same booth. He was pretty drunk (tiny people get drunk reeeeal fast) and so was I. Everyone there was pretty drunk actually. I think it was me who made the first move but we started rubbing our legs together under the table....just sitting close, talking, and flirting under the table. To those of you who are thinking this story is going to turn into one of those 'he invited me back to his place...etc...blah blah....etc....you're going to be disappointed. That is pretty much all that happened. I know it isn't overly exciting, but it was exciting for me to actually me flirting with a guy (in front of my friends!!!!) Now I'm pretty certain French Boy isn't out and neither am I, so hopefully one day he will tell me to make this easier. I spent the rest of the summer trying to run into him on campus, and we went out a few more times with friends. I guess I realized I wasn't overly attracted to him, but I definitely want to stay friends and I guess you never know what can happen.

And that is that, my first and only gay encounter. Yay me, I kind of feel special now. Does anyone else have similar experiences? I would love to hear them. Add me to google chat (fromthoughtstowords@gmail.com) or make a comment pleeeeeease:).


A New Year's post will be coming soon, but I wanted to get this written.:)

Cheers...off to work on some school application stuff,

B