...about a 24 year old guy who's almost ready to accept himself...or so he thinks

Showing posts with label coming out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coming out. Show all posts

Monday, January 28, 2008

Out of Commission

Well this weekend totally sucked. Saturday night I became incredibly ill with the flu. I swear I don't even remember the last time I have been this under the weather. I was really looking forward to doing some snowboarding on Sunday but instead spent the day on the couch, sipping ginger-ale and watching movies from the 50's. I promised myself that I would board a lot this winter and so far I've only been once. I was really excited to go this weekend and then the flu totally betch slapped me.

I am (for the most part) recovered now and will hopefully be back to 100% tomorrow. I've realized that I need to be more active with this blog thing because when I am, I feel better. I've been putting this whole 'who I really am' on the back burner the past couple of weeks. I think I keep making excuses for not advancing in this whole coming out process. For example, I tell myself that once school applications are completed or once I find a job, that I can focus on coming out. I really want to tell my sister, but she is going through some stuff in her life and I think that maybe I should wait until she deals with her own issues. I realize that these are excuses, yet am unable to grow the balls to change my situation. Damn.

Maybe I'm just emotional right now. I found myself tearing up in 3:10 to Yuma on Sunday when watching it with my family. I'm not really a fan of Westerns and I NEVER cry in movies, but I think my weakened bodily state played a factor. As an aside, I recommend watching the movie - it has Russell Crowe and Christian Bale, and overall it wasn't bad.

Anyway, I want you all to know that I really am a fun person. In "real" life I'm always laughing and joking around and I try not to take things that seriously. I guess this blog just gives me a place to vent and talk about some serious personal stuff going on in my life. Here's to hoping for a good week. I promise more posts will be on their way soon!

Friday, January 18, 2008

...ode to a fragmented post

So I've been pretty M.I.A. the last week or so, and am finally getting a chance to catch up on the blogging world. I have many things on my mind and that I would like to share.

First - Google Reader - I'm sure many of you know about the wonders of this application, yet for those new to the blogging world I recommend you check it out. It can be a daunting task to find and read new posts on your favourite blogs and Google Reader gathers this information all in one place. Seriously, if Google could somehow take over the world, all would be good again.

Second - my best friend has recently returned from vacation with her family so I've spent a lot of time catching up with her and other friends. It seems like every night there is a group of us doing dinner, or going to the bar, or just chilling at someone's house. I realize that I have the best group of friends a guy could ask. We are super comfortable and can tell each other anything - well, almost anything. I am very afraid that when I tell them I'm gay, it will somehow change the whole dynamic of the group, that I will feel responsible for this, and that we will grow apart from each other. I love the way it is right now...we just seem to play off each other and have great times together. I don't know what I would do if this changed.

Third, GREAT NEWS over at Coming to Terms as he came OUT to his brother. OUT! So awesome and great job buddy. I look forward to hearing more.:)

Fourth, Steve - I feel your pain about your grandparents. I too have family that (even when I'm out to my immediate family and friends) I will never tell that I'm gay. It is a real shame to have to do this, but when you know people won't change their ways it's better to hang on to what you have. This is especially true when your relatives are older and old fashioned. They love you so much, and you them, and you just want things to stay the same. I know some people say you have to give people a chance to change and accept and love you for who you are, but I think in some cases you just know this isn't possible. Anyways, if you're reading this, I know it sucks huge but try not to let it get you down.

Second to last, on Tuesday my sister brought over her gay friend and his boyfriend for dinner (Adam and Cody). My immediate family and some other friends were also present. It was a great time, albeit Cody was almost too talkative and thought he knew everything about anything. Cody got on my nerves and I even needed to leave the room at one point to refrain from putting my frustration into words. Anyway, after Adam and Cody left, no one said anything about them being gay, but instead treated them as a normal couple. A family friend even stated that Cody was a "know-it-all", but that was ok if he treated Adam well. I thought this was awesome, because I wasn't sure what the family friend thought about us homosexuals. I mean, when she tells stories about gay people that in no way have anything to do with their sexuality, she makes a point of stating their orientation. For example: "My friend's son...is gay but is very nice...is in school for medicine and is finding it really tough right now." The point of the story is not that he's gay! This frustrates me when this happens and I usually end up leaving the room. Tuesday's dinner, though, went very well and it was nice to see family and friends interact normally with my sister's friends (who are gay by the way, but very nice:)). On a side note: thank goodness they weren't hot and I didn't have to worry about staring and drooling.

And finally, I've been checking out Soul Seared Dreamer's blog. Every time I hit up his website I am pleasantly surprised. I wish I knew how to make my blog fun like that. Check it out - you'll know what I mean.

And so this brings to a close my very fragmented post. This seems to be the way my brain is working lately - kind of all over the place.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

I'm new...help me!

So as I said earlier I'm a newbie to the whole blogging world so any comments/suggestions on how to make my blog better would greatly be appreciated. Also, how does one generate readers? I'm slowly building a list of blogs I like reading and will try to read and comment as much as I can. Are there any guys out there just starting up their own blog? It would be great to know someone in a similar situation.

Anyway, the past few days have been busy busy. First, I've wrapped all my presents and carefully placed them under the tree...I'm just hoping the cat leaves them alone. I'm all ready for Christmas except for a liquor store run in the morning to acquire much needed Holiday Bailey's and red wine. Today I met up with some friends back in town for the holidays. We had lunch and hung out for a couple hours. I have a great friend who I've known for years and I hang out with him and his boyfriend at least once a month. It's great to see them so happy and even though they don't know it, they are inspiring me. I'm 99% sure they know I'm gay. Once I made a comment to them about guys thinking we were cute and they looked at each other and smiled. I want so bad to tell my friend, but I feel like I need to tell my family first. At least my sister. She has even asked me if I was gay (about a month ago) and said "if so, it would be ok". This is the second time she has asked me this. Both times I kind of got awkward and annoyed and told her I wasn't. When she asks why I don't date, I just tell her I haven't found anyone I like. Although, I don't quite know what has been said I know that both my sisters have talked about my potential gayness behind my back. I really really really want to tell the twin. Any suggestions on what to do?

Tonight, I went and saw a really funny, up beat musical with the older sister. The only disappointing part (and maybe it was because we had great seats and could see this...) was that the guys weren't that good looking - I mean, if you're going to be in a musical with many shirtless scenes (and that there definitely were), work on those love handles!!!! I think Ryan Phillipe and Jonathon Rhys Meyers should be in a musical together (and make out:)).

Annnyyyway, I doubt I will get to posting before Boxing Day so if there is anyone out there reading this I wish you an amazing holiday!

B