crush

Hey guys...I wrote the following post almost a week ago and sat on it for a while. Posting it just made it more real and frightening, but I think the following situation is kind of passing now so I'll stop being a wanker and share the story.

So I don't know how it happened. In fact, I don't want it to happen. It just happened. Somehow or other, it just bloody happened. I formed a little crush. Now normally, this wouldn't be that big of a deal right? Crushes are normal. Crushes are a part of life. Crushes are how you end up with someone, deciding if there is any potential, and going from there. However, I'm sure 90% of you can relate to this, crushes are not a good thing if you're a gay man...and your crush is a straight one.

Now, I'm so freaked out by all of this. I've never really had a man crush before. Sure, I've thought some of my friends or acquaintances were hot, but never really thought anything more of it. Now that I'm out to all of you though I seem to have a thing for a friend of a friend. The crush and I have been getting kind of close in recent months in a totally platonic way. If I was to describe to you my type of guy, he would look nothing like the crush. The crush is super skinny and very young looking. The guy I'm used to fantasizing about is 5'8'' or so, a little muscular (but not over the top) with great cheekbones :), can hold a conversation and keep me laughing. Simple enough, right?

So what happened is I woke up one morning about a month ago and realized that the crush can hold a conversation and keeps me laughing! He's very witty and sarcastic and that is a huge turn on to me. I LOVE sarcasm..does that make me more gay??? I dunno. Can I be attracted to a man based purely on personality, and then become even more attracted to him based on his looks? It's funny when you think of who your dream guy would be, and then realize they are nothing like the one you end up 'falling' for.

Anyway, I think this crush might be passing, although in the back of my mind I think said crush is closeted (but who the fuck really knows) which still gives me hope. I know this is a slippery slope for me if I continue to hang out with him, but I'm willing to risk it for now. Do any of you have straight crush stories? Would love to hear them?

Total number of times I said crush in this post: a lot.

Is no news, good news?

Well I guess it's about bloody time I write something...

I don't know why I'm so unmotivated to post, and I certainly don't want to give this up yet. However, every time I attempt to write something the wheels stop turning. I don't have much of interest to report from the past month or so. It's nice to see that warmer temperatures are on their way, but I'm upset that snowboarding is over. I didn' get out nearly as often as I had hoped...damn, a failed new years resolution...perfect. Speaking of 'out', there's not much to report there either. I can certainly say that no news is not good news in this case. I'm more at peace with myself about always wanting to jump another guy's body, but I haven't made any steps to telling anyone. I am moving to Toronto soon so once I'm out of the fam's house I think it will become easier. Hey - does that count as news?

Well, okay, maybe I do have news. I recently saw French boy who I talked about earlier as being my first gay "encounter." It was good to see him and we got to hang out quite a bit, but I realized we are polar opposites and that I'm not really attracted to him. I'm 99% sure he's closeted so if he ever comes out and WHEN I do, I'm sure we'll have lots to talk about.

Finally, CONGRATS (sorry...this is belated) to G over at Gay In San Diego for his recent success in coming out even further! I wish I was as brave as you!!

baby's back...

...well almost. I'm planning on getting back into this blog thing in the next week or so. I think I'll catch up on some reading of other's blogs and then make a post or two.

How is everyone doing?

Mini Hiatus

Hey boys! (and gals - not sure who is reading this):

I haven't been around for a while, but I've just been really busy. I'm going to busy for the next couple weeks. Oh man, even as I write these few sentences I realize how much I like writing this blog. I'm hoping that I'll get a nice new post in soon. Nothing overly exciting has happened to me lately. I went clubbing last Saturday and checked out a lot of guys - and I think I may have been getting some looks too. Someone may have even flirted with me - but couldn't really do much as I was with all my friends (and yup, they still don't know about me). Anyway, it was a great, drunken, messy time - with limited hangover!

I have to get to bed, but if you're bored check out these sexy beach boy images.

I'll be thinking of those as I go to sleep tonight.

Hope everyone is doing well out there and getting through this winter.

All signs point to homo...

I suppose I was always going to find out who I am. But, for reasons unknown, I took the long route. I guess you could say that I was (am) a late bloomer. There were so many signs along the way that practically screamed "YOU ARE GAY, turn here for happiness" that I ignored or pretended not to see.

Here are some of the signs:

1. Around 5 years old: I was going "swimming" in a kiddy pool, and was afraid to take off my shirt because I was nervous what the other guys would think. Seriously, I can remember being a gay five year old - can't believe I remember this.
2. Locker room in high school: don't get me started how hard it was showering with all the guys.
3. When I was just hitting puberty, my best friend would sleep over and turn on the tv late at night. He would try to get me to watch the naked women on certain late night channels, and I would just turn over and go to sleep.
4. Still a teenager: always wishing to see more male nudity than female during late night softcore porn. Life just wasn't fair before the internet.
   
5. Going to the beach every summer and trying to hide the fact that I'm looking at all the attractive men.
6. Here's the kicker: Lack of relationships. I never went on dates with girls and had very few relationships. The last relationship was a result of me trying to convince myself I liked girls - and you all can guess how well that went.

Anyway, there you have it - six signs. Why was I so clueless? I guess you live and learn.

Starbucks Hottie

Hi again! Before I catch some zzzz's, I just want to tell you who I saw tonight...

I went to Starbucks (surprise, surprise) and saw the hottie I have talked about previously . He is so sexy! He gave my friend and I our drinks and my friend said thank-you...and I couldn't say anything. Why do I get so awkward around cute guys? I can't tell if he's gay or not. He had a couple rings on his fingers, but let's not go stereotyping now. This Starbucks is hiring and I think I should apply. To be continued...hopefully...

Getting bored...

So I'm just sitting at my computer, chatting, e-mailing, facebooking, downloading, etc. This is my daytime life as of late (I'm so exciting, aren't I?). I haven't been working for the past couple months and I'm waiting to hear back from school (I think I've mentioned this before) so my life is not very complicated at the moment. This was all good until recently. Now I'm just bored.

I am usually busy in the evenings hanging out with family, going out to dinner/movies/for coffee, and just relaxing with friends, but from the hours of 11am to 6pm I don't do a whole lot.

I'm totally addicted to Brothers and Sisters at the moment and I have a few episodes to go before I'm all caught up. Then I think I'll read a book. I went to the book store today, but the book I wanted was $30 so I think I'll order it online. I guess I shouldn't complain as I'm sure life will get a lot busier in the coming months. Training for my 1/2 marathon starts in a couple weeks so that will keep me a little busier.

Well back to Brothers and Sisters - it can be very intense at the moment and makes me think how good I have it in life compared to these characters with their numerous problems. I love the real gay story line in the show - it's a refreshing change from Queer as Folk or Will & Grace, as also pointed out by G.