crush comes, crush goes.

So Soul Seared Dreamer told me that this is how a crush works: "crush comes, crush goes." I don't know if it's because I recently haven't seen much of crush or if I'm just losing interest, but I realized today that the crush has left me. He's just not the guy I'm looking for. Ah well, it was fun while it lasted...as much fun as something that only lives in my mind and not shared with anyone else can be. Lol. Night.

Apparently I have some token friends

Me: My friend "Bob" is starting a new program at school. I think he'll really like it. He's really smart and it's a good fit for him...blah blah blah.
Neighbour: Oh, is Bob your black friend.
Me: Haha, nope. He has blonde hair, my height, you met him at dinner last summer.
Neighbour: Oh, is that the gay one?
Me: *Awkward laugh*, yup, that's him...soooo, anyway *change of subject*

Good ol' elderly neighbours and their funny ways.

Whoever said ignorance is bliss obviously wasn't gay.

crush

Hey guys...I wrote the following post almost a week ago and sat on it for a while. Posting it just made it more real and frightening, but I think the following situation is kind of passing now so I'll stop being a wanker and share the story.

So I don't know how it happened. In fact, I don't want it to happen. It just happened. Somehow or other, it just bloody happened. I formed a little crush. Now normally, this wouldn't be that big of a deal right? Crushes are normal. Crushes are a part of life. Crushes are how you end up with someone, deciding if there is any potential, and going from there. However, I'm sure 90% of you can relate to this, crushes are not a good thing if you're a gay man...and your crush is a straight one.

Now, I'm so freaked out by all of this. I've never really had a man crush before. Sure, I've thought some of my friends or acquaintances were hot, but never really thought anything more of it. Now that I'm out to all of you though I seem to have a thing for a friend of a friend. The crush and I have been getting kind of close in recent months in a totally platonic way. If I was to describe to you my type of guy, he would look nothing like the crush. The crush is super skinny and very young looking. The guy I'm used to fantasizing about is 5'8'' or so, a little muscular (but not over the top) with great cheekbones :), can hold a conversation and keep me laughing. Simple enough, right?

So what happened is I woke up one morning about a month ago and realized that the crush can hold a conversation and keeps me laughing! He's very witty and sarcastic and that is a huge turn on to me. I LOVE sarcasm..does that make me more gay??? I dunno. Can I be attracted to a man based purely on personality, and then become even more attracted to him based on his looks? It's funny when you think of who your dream guy would be, and then realize they are nothing like the one you end up 'falling' for.

Anyway, I think this crush might be passing, although in the back of my mind I think said crush is closeted (but who the fuck really knows) which still gives me hope. I know this is a slippery slope for me if I continue to hang out with him, but I'm willing to risk it for now. Do any of you have straight crush stories? Would love to hear them?

Total number of times I said crush in this post: a lot.

Is no news, good news?

Well I guess it's about bloody time I write something...

I don't know why I'm so unmotivated to post, and I certainly don't want to give this up yet. However, every time I attempt to write something the wheels stop turning. I don't have much of interest to report from the past month or so. It's nice to see that warmer temperatures are on their way, but I'm upset that snowboarding is over. I didn' get out nearly as often as I had hoped...damn, a failed new years resolution...perfect. Speaking of 'out', there's not much to report there either. I can certainly say that no news is not good news in this case. I'm more at peace with myself about always wanting to jump another guy's body, but I haven't made any steps to telling anyone. I am moving to Toronto soon so once I'm out of the fam's house I think it will become easier. Hey - does that count as news?

Well, okay, maybe I do have news. I recently saw French boy who I talked about earlier as being my first gay "encounter." It was good to see him and we got to hang out quite a bit, but I realized we are polar opposites and that I'm not really attracted to him. I'm 99% sure he's closeted so if he ever comes out and WHEN I do, I'm sure we'll have lots to talk about.

Finally, CONGRATS (sorry...this is belated) to G over at Gay In San Diego for his recent success in coming out even further! I wish I was as brave as you!!

baby's back...

...well almost. I'm planning on getting back into this blog thing in the next week or so. I think I'll catch up on some reading of other's blogs and then make a post or two.

How is everyone doing?

Mini Hiatus

Hey boys! (and gals - not sure who is reading this):

I haven't been around for a while, but I've just been really busy. I'm going to busy for the next couple weeks. Oh man, even as I write these few sentences I realize how much I like writing this blog. I'm hoping that I'll get a nice new post in soon. Nothing overly exciting has happened to me lately. I went clubbing last Saturday and checked out a lot of guys - and I think I may have been getting some looks too. Someone may have even flirted with me - but couldn't really do much as I was with all my friends (and yup, they still don't know about me). Anyway, it was a great, drunken, messy time - with limited hangover!

I have to get to bed, but if you're bored check out these sexy beach boy images.

I'll be thinking of those as I go to sleep tonight.

Hope everyone is doing well out there and getting through this winter.

All signs point to homo...

I suppose I was always going to find out who I am. But, for reasons unknown, I took the long route. I guess you could say that I was (am) a late bloomer. There were so many signs along the way that practically screamed "YOU ARE GAY, turn here for happiness" that I ignored or pretended not to see.

Here are some of the signs:

1. Around 5 years old: I was going "swimming" in a kiddy pool, and was afraid to take off my shirt because I was nervous what the other guys would think. Seriously, I can remember being a gay five year old - can't believe I remember this.
2. Locker room in high school: don't get me started how hard it was showering with all the guys.
3. When I was just hitting puberty, my best friend would sleep over and turn on the tv late at night. He would try to get me to watch the naked women on certain late night channels, and I would just turn over and go to sleep.
4. Still a teenager: always wishing to see more male nudity than female during late night softcore porn. Life just wasn't fair before the internet.
   
5. Going to the beach every summer and trying to hide the fact that I'm looking at all the attractive men.
6. Here's the kicker: Lack of relationships. I never went on dates with girls and had very few relationships. The last relationship was a result of me trying to convince myself I liked girls - and you all can guess how well that went.

Anyway, there you have it - six signs. Why was I so clueless? I guess you live and learn.

Starbucks Hottie

Hi again! Before I catch some zzzz's, I just want to tell you who I saw tonight...

I went to Starbucks (surprise, surprise) and saw the hottie I have talked about previously . He is so sexy! He gave my friend and I our drinks and my friend said thank-you...and I couldn't say anything. Why do I get so awkward around cute guys? I can't tell if he's gay or not. He had a couple rings on his fingers, but let's not go stereotyping now. This Starbucks is hiring and I think I should apply. To be continued...hopefully...

Getting bored...

So I'm just sitting at my computer, chatting, e-mailing, facebooking, downloading, etc. This is my daytime life as of late (I'm so exciting, aren't I?). I haven't been working for the past couple months and I'm waiting to hear back from school (I think I've mentioned this before) so my life is not very complicated at the moment. This was all good until recently. Now I'm just bored.

I am usually busy in the evenings hanging out with family, going out to dinner/movies/for coffee, and just relaxing with friends, but from the hours of 11am to 6pm I don't do a whole lot.

I'm totally addicted to Brothers and Sisters at the moment and I have a few episodes to go before I'm all caught up. Then I think I'll read a book. I went to the book store today, but the book I wanted was $30 so I think I'll order it online. I guess I shouldn't complain as I'm sure life will get a lot busier in the coming months. Training for my 1/2 marathon starts in a couple weeks so that will keep me a little busier.

Well back to Brothers and Sisters - it can be very intense at the moment and makes me think how good I have it in life compared to these characters with their numerous problems. I love the real gay story line in the show - it's a refreshing change from Queer as Folk or Will & Grace, as also pointed out by G.

My chill day

Hey everyone!

This is going to be a quick post as I'm getting ready to go for drinks and wings with my close friends. I'm in better spirits today for some reason, even though it is f'in COLD where I live. It's -20 Celsius with the windchill! I started my day with a Starbucks - extra hot, Skinny Cinnamon Dolce. The extra hot refers to both the drink and the boy serving me...mmmmm. Seriously, Starbucks seems to perfectly combine my loves of caffeinated beverages and hot boys.

As for the rest of my day, I watched 4 episodes of Brothers and Sisters. My friend recently suggested it and so I downloaded the first season last night. It is actually really good. It's very drama filled, but what I like about it is that it portrays a dysfunctional family that is still very close. To give you an idea of the storyline, it's about a family's troubles after their dad dies and leaves them with a lot of headaches to clean up. One of the son's is a lawyer who happens to be gay and his storyline is really interesting. Anyway, so far ... so good!

I'll leave you with the song: "Easier to Lie" by Aqualung. It was playing at the end of the third episode of Brothers and Sisters and I thought it spoke a lot of truth about hardships in a person's life.

If I was straight...

So, truth be told, I have two girl crushes (in a totally 'If I was straight' kind of way). I just find these girls gorgeous and if they wanted to seduce me I don't know if I could hold back:). Anyway, as I was channel surfing in the wee hours of Monday morning, I came across the 20 sexiest males and females of 2007 (I think it was on MTV). As fate would have it, my top pics were among the finalists.

First, Scarlet Johanson was among the top 5 - I just find her classically beautiful, and no matter what anyone says I think she is a great actress. Match Point has to be one of my all time favourite movies - Jonathon Reese Myers ain't so bad in the film either.

Second, Rihanna stole the spotlight at the #1 sexiest woman of 2007. Like c'mon, she's pretty hot don't ya think?

Ok, so now you might be thinking, what's this guy's deal? Why is he posting pics of hot girls on his gay blog? Well, I don't want to disappoint you, but I will keep you in suspense as to who won the title of sexiest man of 2007; click HERE to find out - you won't be disappointed. He's uber hot, so talented, and did I say that I find him so sexy? Enjoy!

Out of Commission

Well this weekend totally sucked. Saturday night I became incredibly ill with the flu. I swear I don't even remember the last time I have been this under the weather. I was really looking forward to doing some snowboarding on Sunday but instead spent the day on the couch, sipping ginger-ale and watching movies from the 50's. I promised myself that I would board a lot this winter and so far I've only been once. I was really excited to go this weekend and then the flu totally betch slapped me.

I am (for the most part) recovered now and will hopefully be back to 100% tomorrow. I've realized that I need to be more active with this blog thing because when I am, I feel better. I've been putting this whole 'who I really am' on the back burner the past couple of weeks. I think I keep making excuses for not advancing in this whole coming out process. For example, I tell myself that once school applications are completed or once I find a job, that I can focus on coming out. I really want to tell my sister, but she is going through some stuff in her life and I think that maybe I should wait until she deals with her own issues. I realize that these are excuses, yet am unable to grow the balls to change my situation. Damn.

Maybe I'm just emotional right now. I found myself tearing up in 3:10 to Yuma on Sunday when watching it with my family. I'm not really a fan of Westerns and I NEVER cry in movies, but I think my weakened bodily state played a factor. As an aside, I recommend watching the movie - it has Russell Crowe and Christian Bale, and overall it wasn't bad.

Anyway, I want you all to know that I really am a fun person. In "real" life I'm always laughing and joking around and I try not to take things that seriously. I guess this blog just gives me a place to vent and talk about some serious personal stuff going on in my life. Here's to hoping for a good week. I promise more posts will be on their way soon!

...ode to a fragmented post

So I've been pretty M.I.A. the last week or so, and am finally getting a chance to catch up on the blogging world. I have many things on my mind and that I would like to share.

First - Google Reader - I'm sure many of you know about the wonders of this application, yet for those new to the blogging world I recommend you check it out. It can be a daunting task to find and read new posts on your favourite blogs and Google Reader gathers this information all in one place. Seriously, if Google could somehow take over the world, all would be good again.

Second - my best friend has recently returned from vacation with her family so I've spent a lot of time catching up with her and other friends. It seems like every night there is a group of us doing dinner, or going to the bar, or just chilling at someone's house. I realize that I have the best group of friends a guy could ask. We are super comfortable and can tell each other anything - well, almost anything. I am very afraid that when I tell them I'm gay, it will somehow change the whole dynamic of the group, that I will feel responsible for this, and that we will grow apart from each other. I love the way it is right now...we just seem to play off each other and have great times together. I don't know what I would do if this changed.

Third, GREAT NEWS over at Coming to Terms as he came OUT to his brother. OUT! So awesome and great job buddy. I look forward to hearing more.:)

Fourth, Steve - I feel your pain about your grandparents. I too have family that (even when I'm out to my immediate family and friends) I will never tell that I'm gay. It is a real shame to have to do this, but when you know people won't change their ways it's better to hang on to what you have. This is especially true when your relatives are older and old fashioned. They love you so much, and you them, and you just want things to stay the same. I know some people say you have to give people a chance to change and accept and love you for who you are, but I think in some cases you just know this isn't possible. Anyways, if you're reading this, I know it sucks huge but try not to let it get you down.

Second to last, on Tuesday my sister brought over her gay friend and his boyfriend for dinner (Adam and Cody). My immediate family and some other friends were also present. It was a great time, albeit Cody was almost too talkative and thought he knew everything about anything. Cody got on my nerves and I even needed to leave the room at one point to refrain from putting my frustration into words. Anyway, after Adam and Cody left, no one said anything about them being gay, but instead treated them as a normal couple. A family friend even stated that Cody was a "know-it-all", but that was ok if he treated Adam well. I thought this was awesome, because I wasn't sure what the family friend thought about us homosexuals. I mean, when she tells stories about gay people that in no way have anything to do with their sexuality, she makes a point of stating their orientation. For example: "My friend's son...is gay but is very nice...is in school for medicine and is finding it really tough right now." The point of the story is not that he's gay! This frustrates me when this happens and I usually end up leaving the room. Tuesday's dinner, though, went very well and it was nice to see family and friends interact normally with my sister's friends (who are gay by the way, but very nice:)). On a side note: thank goodness they weren't hot and I didn't have to worry about staring and drooling.

And finally, I've been checking out Soul Seared Dreamer's blog. Every time I hit up his website I am pleasantly surprised. I wish I knew how to make my blog fun like that. Check it out - you'll know what I mean.

And so this brings to a close my very fragmented post. This seems to be the way my brain is working lately - kind of all over the place.

Something I think is hilarious....

So I walk in my front door today and my family is watching Will & Grace. I go to my room and come back and they are watching Oprah, in which Oprah is discussing lesbian issues. I don't know if it was coincidence or if they were trying to tell me something, but I thought it was pretty damn funny. My family is very accepting of all my friends, gay and straight. I think if I just out and told them (pun intended!) that things would generally be ok. However, they don't know that sometimes they hurt me the way they talk, and it's always in the back of my mind that they won't be as accepting (at least at first) as I think they will be. I am very close with them, and even though I know they won't abandon me, I'm still scared. Maybe this is still more an issue of accepting myself, than worrying about acceptance from them.

ANYWAY, I didn't mean to make this a depressing post, so let's go back to that Will & Grace & Oprah thing...so funny.

I think I'll leave it there...Happy Hump Day everyone...the week will soon be over!

My second blog

So I haven't been totally honest with all of you about my blogging virginity. I actually popped my blog cherry last summer, not December. However, it's not an online blog, or even a written journal somewhere. It's all in my head. Yup, it's a mental blog.

I discovered an amazing method for clearing my head and working through my complexities as a human being. I am talking about running! I try to run between 6km and 12km, at least 4-5 times a week. I am slowly working up to longer distances which will help with a certain new years resolution. The weather has been unusually warm the last couple days which has been good for training!

So I have several reasons for running, including keepin' the ol' ticker and lungs in shape and generally becoming fitter. I realized today, however, that there is another reason why I run: STRESS RELIEF!!! Yesterday, I seemed to have all the confidence in the world for some reason. I started to think that maybe this blog should be given some credit. I thought maybe I was doing something right. Then today I found out I may not be getting a cool job I wanted and that I may not be moving out of the fam's house...**pause**: I was hoping to move out of my house and be on my own where I thought I could figure out how to actually come to terms with myself. I feel like coming out while I'm living at home and where I can't escape might be a little traumatic**unpause* *, got in a fight with my sister, and am super tired which always makes me cranky. I am wondering where all my confidence went to that I had yesterday!??!?

Anyway, this is my post-venting vent. I vented to myself as I ran a quick 6km today. Whenever I'm upset I use this second blog of mine to think about things. I was able to calm down and decrease the pulse of my anxious heart. I also realized that the fight with sis might be an over-reaction - I will have to call her later and sort things out.

In the end, running is a way that I can kind of sit outside my body and analyze what has been going on. I suggest trying it at least once or twice!

Cue Ellen: "Holla"

First of all...does anyone watch Ellen? I think she is hilarious and her talkshow may even be my favourite (Canadian spelling;)). So in lieu of her, I want to say 'holla at ya' to a couple people out there:

I've been chatting with 'Coming to Terms with "It"'. He's a really nice guy to chat with and has a fun blog too! Check out the link!

Also, I just want to give a shout out to ClosetNS and say thanks for the shout out - probably a more graceful way of saying that. I also love hearing about success stories with becoming more active and leading a healthy lifestyle, so if you haven't already, read his 'The Pants Kinda Fit' post. Also, it's comforting to know Canadians are gay too :) (j/k). It just seems like there are way more American bloggers, which is cool, but we're a pretty big freakin' country as well. Maybe I just haven't found them yet.

Finally, I like the idea of the blogger meet up in Chicago, but it's way too early for me to be doing that kind of thing. Maybe in a year from now - definitely a neat idea. I also want to spark a topic of conversation here - do you think meeting up will make things a little too personal and maybe people won't feel that they can post some things on their blog anymore? It might be like taking away some anonymity. On the other hand, you get to meet awesome people and maybe making things less anonymous is a good idea! Just curious what people think?

2008: Bring it on!

So...Monday...the holiday is officially over. And back to reality I go. Monday is the day my friends are back in school/work, the day I have to seriously suck it up and get my own job, and
the day I will find time to complete an application for my masters (mark my words I will!).

I was reading some New Year posts from other people, and came across ClosetNS's Mattlist for 2007. I just want to say props to him for all that!!! You are an inspiration to us all. I even thought about doing such a list, but I think I'll leave that for a year from now. Instead, I think I'll post some goals for the near future:

1. Get a cool job in Toronto (or one that pays the bills) before I go back to school.
2. Get accepted into my masters.
3. Come out to someone (someone is a reasonable number I think).
4. Work on my blog more often and try to meet new people in similar situations.
5. Snowboard lots
6. Run a 1/2 marathon

I will stop there as I tend to be over-ambitious when I'm setting goals for myself, and then sometimes disappointed with the results.

So - here's a brief synopsis of my New Years:

You know how you always try to make the next New Years something really special, instead of a big let down? Well, this year I semi-achieved that! We did some shopping, grabbed coffee, ate at restaurants a lot, drank, and just hung out. I went with some of my best friends and we pretty much just relaxed and escaped reality for a few days. On New Year's Eve we went out to an Irish pub. I'm glad we did, but it wasn't anything special. The bartender was super rude and the drinks were over-priced. Then the clock struck midnight, everyone around me locked tongues, and an hour later we left. I think my favourite part of the night was the after-the-bar breakfast. It wasn't the best night ever, but we were away from the reality that is life...and sometimes that's all you need.:)

I have been in much better spirits since New Years and I'm going to try to keep this positivity going in my life as long as I can. My future is uncertain, but here's to trying to make the best of it.

Happy New Year everyone.:)

New Nickname

I decided that I need a new nickname. So after much thought I've decided on 'BoarderGuy'. Why? I LOVE snowboarding. I like it better than 'B'. Annnd done.

My first gay encounter...

So I was reading Steve's blog and came across his Four-score and 365 days ago post, where he describes his first gay encounter. This got me thinking about mine...it was very recently actually, and I used to think about it a lot, but as of late I guess my mind has been pre-occupied.

It was summer 2007 and I was working at my university. Through a friend, I was introduced to a boy (I will call him French boy) who was staying in town and studying on a summer exchange. He came over to my family's place along with some other friends and we drank for a bit, then ventured out to a club to celebrate my other friend's birthday. Some friends were dancing and some of us were sitting in a booth drinking our beers. I was sitting at the outside of the booth and French boy was sitting super close to me even though there was lots of space.

Now...I guess I should back up to when I met him in my driveway. He got out of the car and I couldn't really get a good look at him, but he seemed really cute. He had long-ish hair and a ball cap covering his head. He was also super skinny and was dressed very European. I pretty much knew right away that he was gay by the way he looked (I'm not sure what exactly it was) or maybe it was the way he acted or spoke...again, it's hard to say, but I just knew. To this day, my suspicions have not been affirmed, but I keep in touch on msn and hopefully will meet up with him some day. He has now gone home but will return next September to do his master's here.

Ok, so here we were in the same booth. He was pretty drunk (tiny people get drunk reeeeal fast) and so was I. Everyone there was pretty drunk actually. I think it was me who made the first move but we started rubbing our legs together under the table....just sitting close, talking, and flirting under the table. To those of you who are thinking this story is going to turn into one of those 'he invited me back to his place...etc...blah blah....etc....you're going to be disappointed. That is pretty much all that happened. I know it isn't overly exciting, but it was exciting for me to actually me flirting with a guy (in front of my friends!!!!) Now I'm pretty certain French Boy isn't out and neither am I, so hopefully one day he will tell me to make this easier. I spent the rest of the summer trying to run into him on campus, and we went out a few more times with friends. I guess I realized I wasn't overly attracted to him, but I definitely want to stay friends and I guess you never know what can happen.

And that is that, my first and only gay encounter. Yay me, I kind of feel special now. Does anyone else have similar experiences? I would love to hear them. Add me to google chat (fromthoughtstowords@gmail.com) or make a comment pleeeeeease:).


A New Year's post will be coming soon, but I wanted to get this written.:)

Cheers...off to work on some school application stuff,

B