"A change would do you good..."

I hate change. Quite simply I just don't deal well with it. I think this is why I can't bite the bullet and make that first step to coming out(whatever that is). I think I know who I am and who I want to be, and I also know that something has to change for me to get there, but I just can't make myself do anything about it. I think that telling my twin sister would be the first step for me, and then my best friend, and then maybe my gay friend I was talking about earlier, but that would mean something changing. And after the first step, what happens next? Not knowing what will happen with change is the worst part and I'm not sure I can handle what comes next.

I'm turning 25 soon and I know something has to change or I will forever be a very unhappy person. But how do you live straight for so long and then tell the world you're someone else. Ugh! I guess the only solution is to get incredibly drunk with my friends on New Years and not worry about all this for a few days.:) In about 12 hours, five of my friends and myself are going away for New Years and I'm super excited for that. Hopefully next year will have a lot of firsts for me...here's to hoping...and here's to doing (did I exude confidence there or what?)

B

ps. Christmas was a lot of fun...a lot of quality time with the family. Nothing really to report so I will leave it at that. Happy New Year!:)

I'm new...help me!

So as I said earlier I'm a newbie to the whole blogging world so any comments/suggestions on how to make my blog better would greatly be appreciated. Also, how does one generate readers? I'm slowly building a list of blogs I like reading and will try to read and comment as much as I can. Are there any guys out there just starting up their own blog? It would be great to know someone in a similar situation.

Anyway, the past few days have been busy busy. First, I've wrapped all my presents and carefully placed them under the tree...I'm just hoping the cat leaves them alone. I'm all ready for Christmas except for a liquor store run in the morning to acquire much needed Holiday Bailey's and red wine. Today I met up with some friends back in town for the holidays. We had lunch and hung out for a couple hours. I have a great friend who I've known for years and I hang out with him and his boyfriend at least once a month. It's great to see them so happy and even though they don't know it, they are inspiring me. I'm 99% sure they know I'm gay. Once I made a comment to them about guys thinking we were cute and they looked at each other and smiled. I want so bad to tell my friend, but I feel like I need to tell my family first. At least my sister. She has even asked me if I was gay (about a month ago) and said "if so, it would be ok". This is the second time she has asked me this. Both times I kind of got awkward and annoyed and told her I wasn't. When she asks why I don't date, I just tell her I haven't found anyone I like. Although, I don't quite know what has been said I know that both my sisters have talked about my potential gayness behind my back. I really really really want to tell the twin. Any suggestions on what to do?

Tonight, I went and saw a really funny, up beat musical with the older sister. The only disappointing part (and maybe it was because we had great seats and could see this...) was that the guys weren't that good looking - I mean, if you're going to be in a musical with many shirtless scenes (and that there definitely were), work on those love handles!!!! I think Ryan Phillipe and Jonathon Rhys Meyers should be in a musical together (and make out:)).

Annnyyyway, I doubt I will get to posting before Boxing Day so if there is anyone out there reading this I wish you an amazing holiday!

B

hotties!

If ever I questioned my gayness, I was a damn fool. I think someone purposely surrounded me with hot hot boys today. First, the barista at Starbucks had medium long blond hair done up in a semi-gay haircut (sorry, that's the best adjectives I could think of). He was also wearing nice tight cargos with his shirt tucked in...so ass hugging and so fucking sexy. I don't know if he felt my eyes burning a hole into his body as he made my drink but they were. His whole appearance wasn't 100% convincing as to if he was gay, but I think Starbucks boy just might be...maybe I should get a job there. Second, I was out shopping today and the guy in the line next to me at check-out was one of those totally straight, ball cap wearing, construction types (with the pencil stuck in the hat) - I don't know what it was (maybe the manly calloused fingers or his unshaven face), but ohhhh so dreamy. There's just something about straight boys isn't there?

Anyway, I'm going to sleep with these wonderful images dancing in my head - more shopping early tomorrow before the streets get crazy busy. I swear it never ends. I think I'll start my day with a Starbucks.

here goes...

So here goes nothing. I've just recently been reading blogs about guys who are struggling to come out to family, friends, etc. and I have become inspired. In particular, Tim's blog really got me thinking...I see a lot of myself in him. I'll be 25 soon, have an undergrad in science (funny coincidence I guess), have dated girls but fancy guys, and 99% sure I'm gay. As of right now, no one knows that I'm gay (although I'm sure many suspect).

I sometimes feel like it's so late to be coming out now, and the time to do it was while I was in my undergrad at university. I have had a lot of time to think lately and I know it's about time I deal with who I am..blah blah blah...so I thought this blog might help as blogging appears to have helped others. I'm new to this whole blogging world so bear with me.:)

It's pretty late and I need to get up early and go Christmas shopping so I'll end with a promise to blog again soon. Please feel free to leave any comments along the way.

B (just B for now...still all about the anonymity);)